i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
only you would photoshop your dick
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
