I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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