My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
