The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
