i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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