Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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