As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
