I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
