dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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