??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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