oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize