Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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