Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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