Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
