burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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