I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
