last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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