ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize