My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
