Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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