soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
