3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
