I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
