I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
