Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
