Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
