Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm passing your future prison.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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