You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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