She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
