We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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