Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
