i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
