I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
