I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just google imaged poop.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We left the knife in your bed.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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