First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
