we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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