I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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