it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
