it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
