You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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