Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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