Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
