You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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