You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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