Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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