My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize