There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
