I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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