I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
