I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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