I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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