In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
