You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
