dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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