There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
