Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize