My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
