She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
